Here's to the days where we let slip and smile,
and let show our lies.
Here's to those days where we laugh and sing,
miss not a ring.
And here's to those where we skip and run
with arms around.

Here's to those.


And here's to those nights we let loose tears and angst,
refusing to budge and
into an emotional crank.
Let's toast to those times we
sparred so hard
and when it end,
we didn't know where to start.

Here, drink it up.


And then there's those moments we cheered with joy,
slaps all around, happy as a boy.
Here's to when in all love and squalor,
we blew kisses in the beauty parlour.
Without much care.

Here's to everything and more.


Here, Dad, to all the misery caused.
You were the reason, to all that's lost.
Here, Mom, here's to the faith you held,
undying,
and to the disappointment you dealt,
crying.

Here's to it all.


Here's to the sound of genuine laughter,
and to sweet words that never falter.
Here's to endearments showered in gold,
however often, not properly sold.

Open those throats and empty that mug.


Here's to days that passed in a sphere,
Unending and awaiting the next in fear.
Here's to the insecurities that ate us up,
and those knives that dug in, sharp.


Here's to friendship, love,
and family.
Here's to the joy, and pain
the ups and downs.

Here's to entirety. Here's to life.


And drink down the poison, we shall.

ofblack&white
12:52 AM

The days have been so soggy it's rather depressing, especially when one have to get caught in it. So many ways have I tried to avoid it but without much success; Finding sheltered routes that are twice as long as the original one, dashing like a rabbit gone lame across the street after looking out for cars and the classic case of waiting somewhere for it to just stop.
Which, following Sod's Law, it won't.

Yes, tell me to bring an umbrella. I just loathe umbrellas due to its cumbersome nature. Maybe I should invest in some raincoat/poncho and look equally silly in it.


It's Matin's birthday yesterday (or rather the day before, time check: 0011 hr).
Happy Birthday favourite ass.
And today's (or yesterday, how confusing!) is Shazreen's birthday. Love you baby!

I never liked weekends due to all the one-sided arguments. Anyway Night Safari yesterday kind of perked it up. It's really good (especially since I'm an animal lover) and I so want to go again from 7 all the way till midnight, not having to go halfway because I have to and because there's long hours the next day.

I should see the other male best friend before he goes in army next week. poor boy.

ofblack&white
11:57 PM

For there were days where, frustration seemed to boil in the seemingly calm places and urging the senses to burst. And you hear sobs in the midst of throes, and bravely put up a front with a smile nary to be believed, nary to deceive.
Wonder why they have to suffer.
Would never stare into her eyes lest the pain ensued from hers to mine,
and the least I could do was to make her smile.
Or could I?
Whatever left was stripped bare, and white elephants that straddled our view.
And not a word was said.
Why?
Tell-tale redness that couldn't be ignored, yet neglected, forcibly getting the issue off, mandatory smile that defied all definition of cheerfulness.

Twice already, love.

Helplessness came and settled in, and there was nothing I wouldn't exchange in the world to tell her that it would turn out fine, just to take away that sorrow.
But nothing, it's what I could do.

And so we braved the sound far worse than war cries, far heart-wrenching than soaps, heard through thin doors.
And that's the sound of a broken family.


If onlys are all I thought about, without much sleep. But not to worry, it would haunt me again in dreams.
See you there, love

ofblack&white
1:40 AM

Sigh much thought to the soccer team needing to recruit members and because TanCJ have been MIAing for so freaking long I have to do the job. Hope there would be responses from the thread.

And so operation loseweight is going on well, playing soccer and the many attempts to jog. I realised how hyper I could be once I got started. Last Sunday the parents went on a day trip to KL so I played street somewhere with people I barely know. Which was fun, I ran a lot. Then proceeded on re-stringing my guitar as well as getting a stand for it. And going to a house with arguments going on every side. Poor damsel.


Operation Transformation was quite going on fine until yesterday, when I was just googling about and I saw (typically), the most beautiful creature of all lifetime, none other than Ms Daria Werbowy.



I know there's some out there who are bewildered by my slight obsession with models, but that's because I think models, both men and women, are walking art pieces, so beautiful and many more adjectives I'm sure you could find. It's interesting also to see the photography by the different cameramen and the message they try to convey through it (Inez & Vinoodh's jobs are stellar).

Anyway back to Daria, she has the perfect proportions, unlike Bundchen who's slightly top-heavy, or Poly who's so unnaturally skinny especially in the arms she probably snort coke backstage. Ambrosio has almost the same proportion, but Ambrosio isn't perfect beauty in my dictionary (probably since she has the pornstar look), so Werbowy wins it, with such indescribable beauty. Like really, she's poetry.

And I really like that she could do androgynous shots (Martin Cohn also, but that's understandable, because he's beyond gay) with the help of her amazing body language .


Here are examples!


This is your typical slender ultra-feminine shot (taken at Stellar McCartney's) you'd envision a female model to be. Tall, sleek, infinitely sexy.




The picture at the bottom I feel is very masculine. Love how her posture contradicts the very pretty pumps (courtesy of Chanel please).


Gosh what a beauty. I haven't even put up the H&M campaign (the one with Stone who's good as well, with some hairy-chested-but-has-an-awesome-body man).


Anyway Operation savemoney not going as well as I'd like it to be (no surprises here). It's slow, but improving. I just have this fondness of being excessively late and then making that as a nice excuse to take a bloody cab, which isn't cheap nowadays. I met with Naz to find her running shoes and when she did decide to pick Nike it was of horrible design (I'm sorry our taste are just way off) so she settled for (what I think) is a very nice pair of Adidas. I still can't find the F50s people are raving about. Meh.


Got to sleep early for an early start tomorrow. Plus a McGriddles treat ;p Thanks Pei En.

ofblack&white
8:40 PM

Blue Moon,
You saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own.

Blue Moon,
You knew just what I was there for
You heard me say a prayer for
Someone who's willing to care.

ofblack&white
3:45 AM

So now the heat's turned up with all the prelims/CA2s/common tests/promos flying all over. This obviously marks the beginning of the ninetoseven days that I have been quite dreading. I had three back to back days of pure madness rushing from a venue to another, cramming lunch wherever possible and catching sleep in the bus. Next week would be a repeat of this for four days.

Buuuuuuuttt the company of them all were nice enough to perk me up (even Horror Student have been behaving) and I finally met Hareen but both annoying students Fifa and Rachel kept insisting that he's weird beyond belief.
As if they're not??


Anyway to lighten the days the Man whisked me away to breakfast on Wednesday (he fetched me from my void deck please, everyone envy me for having the best manfriend) to Breeks and went a-shopping with me at Tampines. And he took leave yesterday so that we can have lunch over Bistro, sent me to wherever I am going next, and then when I'm done he met me halfway and walked me to wherever I am suppose to go. And today for lunch where he (again) waited for me at the student's void deck, then we went airpork again and FINALLY I've got to treat him some lunch we were wanting to go. Between looking at supoermodels and old men on the screen we managed quite a substantial amount of food between ourselves, then swear we will NEVER eat a lot anymore (which I think would NEVER come true) and again sent me to AMK for my next tuition before going off.

Yes, I know I have to appreciate and be thankful for having such a ridiculously magnificent manfriend and I really am, you know. And the time when I truly need someone he's always there? So yes gratitude is in place (I think I heard a chorus of 'I told you so' somewhere).


Hmm people kept asking me to so-and-so country with them and all that yaya but I am really tempted with the idea of back-packing myself trying (yet the cliche goes...) to find the me that has been lost in all the many layers of oohh pretense.


But anyway I'm still in the adjustment process of the transformation from lesbian to bisexual to heterosexual and I'm currently in the bisexual stage. But seriously, being one is SO tough because with all relationships I have right now (in this I mean friendship, acquaintances, etc etc etc) it is just so bloody hard to look at someone on the purely platonic level (really, don't ask why). And furthermore I do appreciate all aspects of beauty, whether it's animal or art or man or car or woman or scenery and so (since beauty is, nonetheless, often linked to the softer of the two) it is truly hard to not stray.
Gosh sounds quite complicated in a way because beauty is in ALL directions whether I am in McDonald's or in a park or a the beach or even at the mosque (ohmygod BIG SIN/DOSA BESAR) and to NOT stray, I'd probably have to stay in a solitary shell (a nunnery won't help, they're all women remember?) and be some mountain turtle of the 21st century. Ok, maybe I won't mind the attraction to Mars inhabitants but this strong sapphic current in me will HAVE to go.


No seriously, I need help with this and the only one that could help me is me. No, don't give me the bull about sexuality being fluid because (as many, and I mean MANY of you point it out) it's just not right.
Sheesh.


So at this moment, operation transformation and operation follow-Rohenie's-food-plan is in the process. I am avoiding any female at this moment that may thwart my lofty goals.
And so another cliche go, Failure Is NOT An Option.

ofblack&white
11:28 PM

I had one of the best lunches yesterday at some God-forsaken void deck of AMK (Rohenie made me walk ALL the way when we could've taken a bus, with my sprain) but it was, overall, worth it. Chicken is chicken as you might say, but not chicken with the most delightful herbs and whatnot.

We went to Sportslink and I saw boots! Like the ones I used to have (blue silver white lotto) and this one is a green silver white. At 39$! The last pair, coincidently my size. Ohmygod this is a sign from God that I SHOULD get it.

But I'll probably be going Queensway with her like soon-ish to get a pair because I forsee myself playing on turf in many weeks and months to come and I have learnt my lesson of wearing proper footwear (if I have had boots last Tuesday it won't give me this sprain that is still SO horrid). And also to the gym for strengthening exercise.
Rohenie is my newly self-appointed personal trainer (she's become WAY skinny/lean I didn't even recognise her when I first saw LOL).


Today I attended the second McDonald's birthday party in my life (I really think I'm too old for this) at Kallang Macs, with extremely small chairs and low tables that'll kill your knees if you said please. As much as I didn't want to go (partly not knowing the people well), I had to because Amirah emotionally blackmailed me and it kinda sucks to be a victim of that, and secondly if bijak bestari knew I was invited but didn't come I knew the dire consequences.
I really hate blackmailing.
So we wore stupid paper hats and played some embarrass-the-birthday-girl game (like guessing Afifa's weight!) and musical chair, which I am thankful for the excuse my foot gave me. HA. Anyway just some fun with Happy Meals, candles that kept dying and all that photograph and ever-bursting balloons.


So lying down on bed peacefully listening to the humdrum of the vehicles passing by at such obscene hours, I thought of war. Sometimes I feel we took peace too much for granted. I dreamt a lot about those lately. When I ran with such fear coarsing and away from the bullets that could pierce vulnerable skin. I heard them scream. Hell I heard them scream with such intensity I had to convince myself it's not true but they rang in my ears. I wondered why we trust the politicians that sat cosily in plush offices smoking cigars and told us it'll be over soon, when we knew they were lying?
I wondered why we trust a government that seemingly feed and spoil us rotten when mostly it's for their own interest? I wonder what actually keep people happy on their seats, and not have a world of turmoil.

The other time I was pondering over an ideal world where the world/country is like one community, with no personal interest (which is virtually impossible because humans, we tend to be greedy that's why I said 'ideal world') and everyone helping one another. Not working for money nor getting things with money. Everything is done through a more advanced form of barter (medieval I know) so that there's actually NO need for money.
And I realised it's kind of like, an ideal communist country.


I'm quite warm to that idea, really.

ofblack&white
11:50 PM

And so, I thought I'd like to keep my records clean, but today, on the 4th of August, I manage to sprain my damned ankle again. It's always the left. WHY, especially when it's my dominant leg, WHY must Juli wack my leg and twist it (haha I don't blame her because it's part of the game, but she's got SUCH an apologetic look I feel sad for her bearing that tantamount of guilt). But after sitting on the bench for all of five minutes I couldn't take it, strap up my shoes and started running again.

My bad because right now, this moment, I'm in immense pain, like in the 8th circle of Dante's hell please.



I had a new student for today. I was recommended to her by student-of-the-year Pei En. Pei En didn't really help by texting me to not scare Evina away.
I really am touched by her faith in me, really -.-


Ah shitz my ankle. Anyway I was emotionally black-mailed by someone just now. I truly HATE it when people (especially girls) employ that sad-and-about-to-cry voice just so I could comply.
Annoying! Just because I have a heart you all shouldn't take advantage of it.

And I can sense some of you out there in disbelieve going, "Ili? HEART?? NO WAY".
Hush you people.

Ah lunch with Rohenie tomorrow how nice ((:

ofblack&white
9:49 PM

It's a humid day, I'm perspiring buckets as I type now.

The day started with cycling at East Coast. It's a shame I didn't do that thing where I ran to the sea and jumped in halfway through. As usual badminton at Marine Parade CC and the four ladies on the court next to us were playing the sport as if it's the Olympics, really. Headed down Lavender to make Ham's passport (by the way cats were littered at the places we went to today, SO CUTE LAH) and then to airport to meet the other male companion, Syahril.

Me and Ham had this conversation about Syahril always getting his way. I think it applies, despite his pleas of otherwise.

Conversations at Popeyes then decided to drop by IKEA. I'm horribly tempted to get a new bed frame I guess I need a change. I was at the end of their jokes, ridicule and lewdness but what's new. Syahril purchased a table for his room and a dining chair to match it. Seriously, dining chair?? Happily it fitted the cab and we all headed to Syahril's residence since we decided to help Mr-I-can't-really-fix-it to, well, fix it. Ha! The two of us excel in assembling :D And he treated us dinner for our help. Aww.



Now I really want a bed frame, not a white (since Kat says it's a loser colour) but the white's the only one that could be added to it a pullout bed. OR I could get a sofa bed. Now THAT'S cool but I just have to see how.


I aim for this week to clean and rid my room of all the papers that reside in my boxes for all of two years (haven't I said this line sometime ago -.-) and hopefully, with luck and whatev, manage to persuade parentals to finance their one&only daughter with the pouffe cum storage.

(It'll take a year of persuasion for the bed frame but guess I'll get that myself)


It's 0130 hours right now and I'm not exactly able to sleep, God knows why. Something bothers me but I don't know WHATS that something. -.- It's an entity that I could quite place.
Bla. It's time to call the insomnia best friend now.




Only a heartbeat away, love.

ofblack&white
1:13 AM

I just have to type this out. As usual it's about my favourite thirteen year olds.


Ili: How come I text Nur the other time about next Saturday she didn't reply me?
Tisya: Oh her phone got confiscated la. It's a long story which I'll tell you next time.
Ili: HA. Must be overshot of bills again or papa found out about Dinie.
Tisya: Lol Dinie's mine now (: That's an even longer story for another day.


I know they share everything but not to the extend of guys??
It really amazes me.


Anyway to get some of you jealous, Tisya is going to Singfest later with her friends, and her mom allowed her to skip school tomorrow because of that.
Like whaaaat is wrong with parents nowadays my parents will probably skin me alive if I were to skip school for concerts.

ofblack&white
4:15 PM

Hello hello, 'tis good days the past few. Late night guitars, entertaining emo people (actually, emo person Matin), Half-Life2 all over again (not that I've completed it, procrastination DO kick in in games).

I met the other best male friend TheoChingRay on Wednesday along with Mima. Oh by the way, Mima won a camera out of the game Stacker. People do win in that man! I was aiming for the wii with that game but as you know, the probability of winning is extremely small. Lunched, pooled a bit (with of course, Teo wiping the table with our faces) and running to and fro the tv area to guess the phrase in Wheel Of Fortune! Haha I shopped around with him and just when I want to get a pencil case from Borders he came up beside me with his signature "Wah you wanna buy that? Look damn lame sia!" which prompted me to put it down and reconsider.
I hated Qing for doing that -.- He got himself a rubix cube and gave me SUCH a disappointing look when I only stayed around with him for hmm 4 hours? Haha next time I'll make myself more free yes babe.


Yesterday was a lot of home. Haha woke up at 12, gosh the wonders of sleeping. I can feel my eyebags shrinking to minute proportions ;p Taught the Horror Student and thankfully could vent my anger on the board and hoop. Chat for quite with Kyun and O and (with mum's permission some more!) went for thosai/maggee goreng mama with the Man. Was back nearly 11, and miraculously mum didn't make ANY noise.

Ooo to that.



Today by far, was the weird day of the week. After driving and visiting the gramps, I went to teach the Weird Student at Loyang Point. It was an understatement to say that I was pressurised by her to buy the polaroid. But the film totally put me off. Fucking expensive please! Since I had time to burn she brought me over her place (pretty, really) and it's just so near Changi Village and oh imagine the ball of a time I could have cycling. Awesome. She has a pool table in the living room (that's awesome too) and then she asked me to cycle. Cycle I tell you, in all my tudung glory she wants me to cycle, and typically no isn't really in her dictionary.
But glad to do so because the houses there are ohmyGod pretty I SO want to shoo the inhabitants so I can own those properties.

Le sigh.


Adela just called and chatted then she went "fuck, I forgot to wash off the conditioner on my hair!". Stupidity rocks!

ofblack&white
10:54 PM